A letter to him
It's senseless, and it's strange how I managed to say such a thing . cause I never let something slip , never left something unexplained . I just couldn't leave a matter without getting it's clues digging for the information .my deep curiosity would often lead me to nothing but troubles but I loved taking risks and adored those sleepless nights where my only worry would be how to win the next case how I would walk out of the court my head held high and how I would vanquish my opponents but I believe that it's worth it : I would do anything to feel the victory to see the defeated look upon my opponents faces
. But you …. You broke all my rules … my whole life's arrangement with nothing more than being yourself . acting on your mysterious ,alluring self making the feelings that were banned from the game to get stronger and stronger breaking the high gates of my mind and taking over my senses . I saw life with a whole new light colors began to get brighter as If I was blind before I met you and as good as this sounds I hated it with a burning passion . I hated how you could affect me so easily as If I was a puppet , a lifeless rag doll that you move with your hand without having it uttering a single word . a slave , that was under the mercy of her ruthless master . Yes ruthless , your effect on me was ruthless decomposing the walls that that took too long to build just to keep away such emotions from leaking . the walls that I thought were immune but, I guess it's more of my fault than yours : I believed in myself too much to realize how dangerous you are , how sneaky you are . and yes I know that this might sound sick for some people but I always believed that I was never a normal woman and it was no surprise to fall for such an unparallel man but me being the quarrelsome , routine freak person that I am I refused to just give up .so I tried forgetting you by reminding myself of the new sensations that you've introduced me to , the quantum leap that you have caused to my flawless life that used to revolve around work and work only , the restless nights that were spent on crying instead of finishing what I've got I reminded myself of the unfamiliar confusion that you contaminated my head with causing a war to break out between my heart and again no matter how I tried to hate you I couldn't . oh ! how could I when your face never left my mind as if it resided there , running in my veins encrusting every fiber of my being . how could I hate your vigorous well defined figure that never failed to make my insides hum with need at it's sight. How could I hate your always blithesome façade that can fill an entire room with a sense of euphoria , your deep deep blue oceans that depicted a strange inter purity making me loath myself for ever thinking of loathing such an angelic creature and intercepting my mind from winning the game . And I have to admit that I soon fathomed with the fact that I could never deny such intense feelings and that no matter how effective I thought my forms of resistance were they were clearly useless.
So ….. I gave up I let myself go with the flow , drown in your ocean . I let my heart play it's tricks upon my mind creating from your velvety voice a melody that in a short matter of time became my favorite sound to the point of craving it. like an addicted a sanctuary seeker suffering from his drug's withdrawn symptoms I craved your presence , your voice I even fascinated about how it would be like to kiss those little soft lips of yours imagining the glory of the moment and making my skin tightens in need whenever your close crawling and begging for only a caress of your big hands to sooth the tension that has been built for too long . Do you still remember our mistake or as I call it , our glorious mistake when you got caught in the moment to give me my very first kiss , a toes curling kiss that I enjoyed every millisecond of it but the question is did you ? , did you feel the same as me ? , did your body burning , keens getting weak , did you feel alive as if you've never lived before , did you feel a wave of bliss rippling through your body cause I did . I really did .and you know what I also remember ? I remember our last meeting like it was yesterday . I remember you heading toward me in your confident big strides , your rounded azures swarmed with what looked like worry , I remember my heart picking up it's pace , hammering against my chest with nervousness ,I remember rubbing my sweaty hands upon my grey skirt making it look a shade darker and the long awaited security when you enveloped my tenuous body in your warm embrace, managing to make me forget about all my worries for those slight seconds .
today I came hoping for only one thing that I was nearly certain I would get but life has a way of playing it's antics upon me . after my clear confession of what feelings I possess for you I demanded to hear yours in act I anticipated to hear yours but at your response and much to my dismay my heart stopped beating for a whole new reason that I just wanted to throw myself from on top of the skyscraper getting the farthest and fastest I could away from you ….. I was majorly confused , mairly torn between running away and hiding from you or throwing myself in your arms and letting the waterworks loose , cursing you and hating the day that I've met you or appreciating every moment we had together .it's ludicrous how the same person that that you've been fascinating about is the same person who crushed your dreams with a couple of words " I can not be in a relationship " . I think that in that particular day I knew the feeling of being damned and I honestly decided to stop calling those desperate anonymous women that right in the journal sensationalists cause I felt worse than any of them had described .
the impact of your words was too strong for me that my chest tightened as if an elephant had decided to sit on it , my eyes surely became misty and my heart has broken to a million pieces that I could hear them falling to the ground and me being the poor victim that I've turned into I turned my back on you saving what was left from my dignity without uttering a simple word
. but you know what , I bet you already know about all this mess but what I am sure that you don't know is that I chose that particular day to tell you because the night before, the doctor has finally set me an expiry date and from then I decided that every second counts and that I should spend my last days with you and since we have already got closer you would confess your love for me but you never did and I planed on dyeing with no regrets , no haunting "what if" s or "imagine"s , I wanted to pass my last days peacefully in a beach house painting and savoring the feeling of being so close to you I wanted you so bad that my heart ached whenever I thought about it but that's the thing I wanted , past tense cause by the time you are reading this I would be taking my last breathes in an Italian beach house where I resided for the past two months. I know that you are feeling guilty right now but I am telling you that you don't need to …..i know that you love me as I do but I couldn't force you to talk about love while I know that it's a soft spot for you that the thought of it would fill your head with somber memories and I honestly feel guilty about sending you this but I just thought that you deserved to know …. At last all I want you to do is give up , give up every bad memory that is holding you back from loving freely .. trust me and start fresh as if nothing has ever happened and we both know that it's never too late to do it , before I go I want to remind you that every second counts forgive and forget but most importantly take care of yourself for and I promise I'll be watching over you
Much love
elisa
. But you …. You broke all my rules … my whole life's arrangement with nothing more than being yourself . acting on your mysterious ,alluring self making the feelings that were banned from the game to get stronger and stronger breaking the high gates of my mind and taking over my senses . I saw life with a whole new light colors began to get brighter as If I was blind before I met you and as good as this sounds I hated it with a burning passion . I hated how you could affect me so easily as If I was a puppet , a lifeless rag doll that you move with your hand without having it uttering a single word . a slave , that was under the mercy of her ruthless master . Yes ruthless , your effect on me was ruthless decomposing the walls that that took too long to build just to keep away such emotions from leaking . the walls that I thought were immune but, I guess it's more of my fault than yours : I believed in myself too much to realize how dangerous you are , how sneaky you are . and yes I know that this might sound sick for some people but I always believed that I was never a normal woman and it was no surprise to fall for such an unparallel man but me being the quarrelsome , routine freak person that I am I refused to just give up .so I tried forgetting you by reminding myself of the new sensations that you've introduced me to , the quantum leap that you have caused to my flawless life that used to revolve around work and work only , the restless nights that were spent on crying instead of finishing what I've got I reminded myself of the unfamiliar confusion that you contaminated my head with causing a war to break out between my heart and again no matter how I tried to hate you I couldn't . oh ! how could I when your face never left my mind as if it resided there , running in my veins encrusting every fiber of my being . how could I hate your vigorous well defined figure that never failed to make my insides hum with need at it's sight. How could I hate your always blithesome façade that can fill an entire room with a sense of euphoria , your deep deep blue oceans that depicted a strange inter purity making me loath myself for ever thinking of loathing such an angelic creature and intercepting my mind from winning the game . And I have to admit that I soon fathomed with the fact that I could never deny such intense feelings and that no matter how effective I thought my forms of resistance were they were clearly useless.
So ….. I gave up I let myself go with the flow , drown in your ocean . I let my heart play it's tricks upon my mind creating from your velvety voice a melody that in a short matter of time became my favorite sound to the point of craving it. like an addicted a sanctuary seeker suffering from his drug's withdrawn symptoms I craved your presence , your voice I even fascinated about how it would be like to kiss those little soft lips of yours imagining the glory of the moment and making my skin tightens in need whenever your close crawling and begging for only a caress of your big hands to sooth the tension that has been built for too long . Do you still remember our mistake or as I call it , our glorious mistake when you got caught in the moment to give me my very first kiss , a toes curling kiss that I enjoyed every millisecond of it but the question is did you ? , did you feel the same as me ? , did your body burning , keens getting weak , did you feel alive as if you've never lived before , did you feel a wave of bliss rippling through your body cause I did . I really did .and you know what I also remember ? I remember our last meeting like it was yesterday . I remember you heading toward me in your confident big strides , your rounded azures swarmed with what looked like worry , I remember my heart picking up it's pace , hammering against my chest with nervousness ,I remember rubbing my sweaty hands upon my grey skirt making it look a shade darker and the long awaited security when you enveloped my tenuous body in your warm embrace, managing to make me forget about all my worries for those slight seconds .
today I came hoping for only one thing that I was nearly certain I would get but life has a way of playing it's antics upon me . after my clear confession of what feelings I possess for you I demanded to hear yours in act I anticipated to hear yours but at your response and much to my dismay my heart stopped beating for a whole new reason that I just wanted to throw myself from on top of the skyscraper getting the farthest and fastest I could away from you ….. I was majorly confused , mairly torn between running away and hiding from you or throwing myself in your arms and letting the waterworks loose , cursing you and hating the day that I've met you or appreciating every moment we had together .it's ludicrous how the same person that that you've been fascinating about is the same person who crushed your dreams with a couple of words " I can not be in a relationship " . I think that in that particular day I knew the feeling of being damned and I honestly decided to stop calling those desperate anonymous women that right in the journal sensationalists cause I felt worse than any of them had described .
the impact of your words was too strong for me that my chest tightened as if an elephant had decided to sit on it , my eyes surely became misty and my heart has broken to a million pieces that I could hear them falling to the ground and me being the poor victim that I've turned into I turned my back on you saving what was left from my dignity without uttering a simple word
. but you know what , I bet you already know about all this mess but what I am sure that you don't know is that I chose that particular day to tell you because the night before, the doctor has finally set me an expiry date and from then I decided that every second counts and that I should spend my last days with you and since we have already got closer you would confess your love for me but you never did and I planed on dyeing with no regrets , no haunting "what if" s or "imagine"s , I wanted to pass my last days peacefully in a beach house painting and savoring the feeling of being so close to you I wanted you so bad that my heart ached whenever I thought about it but that's the thing I wanted , past tense cause by the time you are reading this I would be taking my last breathes in an Italian beach house where I resided for the past two months. I know that you are feeling guilty right now but I am telling you that you don't need to …..i know that you love me as I do but I couldn't force you to talk about love while I know that it's a soft spot for you that the thought of it would fill your head with somber memories and I honestly feel guilty about sending you this but I just thought that you deserved to know …. At last all I want you to do is give up , give up every bad memory that is holding you back from loving freely .. trust me and start fresh as if nothing has ever happened and we both know that it's never too late to do it , before I go I want to remind you that every second counts forgive and forget but most importantly take care of yourself for and I promise I'll be watching over you
Much love
elisa
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