Angel

A few days ago there was this post that everyone was sharing about how they are ready to listen to those who have suicidal thoughts and offer tea and coffee and a warm hug and i wanted to share it so bad but i knew i couldn't: i have been through it i know the feeling of having not an ounce of hope being completely helpless have sadness wash over you like cold waves that make you litteraly shudder and i would love to help but i can't handle it i can't listen to anyone's pain at the moment as it hits sore spots and as a person who has listened beyond rheir capacity just for the sake oh helping i know that it's not mostly about listening but aiding a hurt person makes you prone to emotional punching and it's when they are very frustrated they start taking their pain out on you or toying with your feelings for a moment of temporary pleasure or only ever talk to you if they are hurt no matter how hurt you could be or how unwell you could be feeling they will dismi...

2 years ago i was deep into a pit of desperation i was having thoughts that aren't mine void of any sense of myself i was writing for others and i was painting with other people's hands i had other ears on me and some loved ones that i traded with traitors for i was unable to see what love they were offering and went begging for a home when my home was right behind me  . It was all me no one had put me there i took the steps and went back home when the red flags of death were floating in the sky carried by ravens it was like a struck of lightning i ran back unaware of where to go but a small part of me  has held into the maps of my old life like it knew i would ve going back.. I went back to see my mother my grandma and all the women i knew huddled by the window in black gowns murmuring prayers watering the wooden floors with tears i slept by their feet i hugged the remains of me i collected the torn photos in my head and worked until i formed faces i reco...

Berlin ArtParasites January 29, 2015  ·  bedtime story: “Dear Future Me, I hope that today you are the person you always set out to be. I hope you accomplished everything that they said you could never do. How many lives do you change in a day? Do you speak out for what is right, or sit there regretting your silence? I hope you are what I’m not. I hope you speak out with such a voice that everyone around you can hear it even when you aren’t speaking. I want you to have power in the way you speak- giving light into someone’s world filled with darkness. I hope you live as if you are the only one capable of making a difference, and embracing that ability in the best way possible. You don’t need to have your name written in the text of a history book, but you need to live to make your words give life to the ones who thought they didn’t deserve one. When you read this letter, I hope you are somewhere where all of you previous goals can be made accomplishment...

so recently i have wanted to end my life ..i even  wrote this glorious note about how breathing became suffocating . i wrote about how everyone is willing to only ever half love me .. to offer me their leftovers of what life they have lived ..go on about their happy lives and leave me to the late hours of the point where i have stopped looking in the mirror and seeing a museum..i started seeing a count i started seeing a court i started seeing crosses nails blood wasted for nothing my blood was wasted for nothing i would wish that i am empty rather than changed .. so  i decided that i am going to unlearn a few things in order not to fall in the same state any time soon .. 1. taking lessons:      i will not be emptied of who i am to fit their shit .they all say i am natural the way i get to embrace a person but the moment i seek a hand to caress my back i'd be asking for more than i deserve the only thing i see natural about me sitting there taking what they...

somewhere in the world there's this beautiful beautiful young woman with the coal black hair ,perfect olive skin and a dashing smile. she existed perfectly, in a very real and raw way she was courageous enough to face her humanity ... she'd play piano and stars would gather to listen attentively to the point where she befriended some and they resided her hair adorning it in a way that nobody has ever seen before they became a part of her shining nicely swimming within the depths of her strands when she plays her magic ..but just like everything in this world  they began faltering  with time some of them leaving for other skies during the night others simply dying falling while she's walking .. the departure of her  beloved stars made her sad to the point where her hair was floating in her tears ..she stopped playing the piano and wandered foreign grounds calling for the stars who left willing them to mourn the loss of others with her willing them to see what pain s...

Anxiety is manifested inability of the self to escape from inward projection of its issues.  The truth is out there and if one does not get out of themselves and into the world anxiety will keep prevailing.  Not everything is about you.  Escape the self-limiting paradigm and face the grandiosity of the cosmos. Set yourself free.  ✨ I was about to write something about this.. About how i get hit once and it's multiplied 20000 times in my head it keeps replaying it invades my dreams reigns my nightmares but i am trying to be good i am trying to be better stronger love harder without letting love harm me without forcing myself to swallow daggers to prove my strength to love beyond my capacity so i could be validated to access my worthiness....  I am determind to end this summer with more love than ever with a deeply set knowledge that it's okay that i am okay i am normal and sensitivity is not a disease i am determind to not run away from harm ...

The most brutal thing sadness can do is rob you your imagination..the little dreams the power of hope so you are left with open  empty hands and a dry mouth. I have been empty for a while running on shallow laughs and scruntizing and inspecting myself to pass the time while in reality things don't work like that. You wish that humans were mathematicaly moved that feelings could be put on a scale of strength from 1 to 10 you wish that opening would bring you closer to a truth.. It only brings pain. The theories i had of myself are only here to haunt me they keep me up at night they make me into a living nightmare void of any little dreams stripped off my hope left to suffer it's withdrawls. I am not sorry for my sadness or the time it took to know that the truth isn't inside me but i am the truth and a truth is not angelic it's not pristine white it doesn't appear with wings and the beautiful sound of harp it's just familiar and it doesn't come to light ...