Angel

I am fighting in my own very soft way fighting my demons delicately wrapping the silk of my words around their necks tenderly enough to silence them but not to kill them because honestly my demons are now a part of me the little ghosts have their place carved in the curve of my waist and even though the rivers of tears have dried and turned into deep dry cracks visible scars going all over  me and my possessions i enjoy gardening them watering them with prayers so you can’t see how deep they are under all the soft pink petals unless you dig very deep in my chest then another woman will have to be born and i as you know me i as i know myself will leave for good .... Now the word is getting grayer and i am getting paler softer in a different way pinker lilac between the creases the folds of my body my eyes are getting wider my hair is harder and longer my hair is the rope that keeps me from falling into unknown pits although some of them could be harmless we aren’...

جزء من اخر ما كتبت     اشجار شموس وردية كتاباتى غير المكتملة مهداة الى :تقى مختار ريم ماجد كريمة ماجد هند مبارك من يكللن الايام بحبهن و يجعلن للكلام معانى اطعم شادى عماد اتخيلك دائما تقف فوق الشمس بين الجبال مرفوع الراس و من حولك اصوات و ارواح من تحب وقد استحوذت على الابدية ارجو ان تتذكرنى وقتها  

i’ll merge all the bad days into one ugly unbelievably long day stick the night to next throw away the melting suns and the lying dawns that promised that it’ll be different i’ll call the good days tomorrow and if that tomorrow isn’t good then it’ll have to join the bad until that tomorrow of mine comes safely into my arms so i could cry in pure relief and hold it to my chest and finally ask it “where have you been?”

As soon as I acknowledge how blessed i am at any sort of thing that could be as big as a job or as small as an earring  it goes away the thing about me is that as soon as i start getting attached or vocal about my satisfaction the blessing goes away or maybe it just turns  into something else bigger that fits the bigger picture something more mature that would serve me later however that's a bit hard to understand when my heart is heavy with loss  Now I won't ever stop being thankful for everything for the opportunity to wake up and have another day closer to my dreams for the easy painless breaths for the days i am suffocated by anxiety because when i am not anxious the world is a part of heaven  Most importantly i am blessed to be here among my loved ones able to express said love with words and hands i am happy that day by day i learn to accept rather than control. "Lord, grant me tenacious winsome courage as I go through this day. When I am tempted to give up, he...

حقيقي انا مبقتش احب اتكلم و اذكر التحرش كتير لانى بتوجع من كمية الذكريات السيئة اللى عندى لكن كل ما بفكر ان سكوتى ده بياثر على بناتى الصغيرين .. بيخليهم يفتكروا انه الحق مش معايا و انى اسكت و خلاص اكرملى بقرر انى اكتب و عليه قررت انى اتكلم.... اول تحرش كان ليا فى الشارع كان عندى تقريبا ١٠ سنين و كنت وقتها لابسة جيبة طويلة ده غير طبعا انى طفلة مشى ورايا واحد من الجامع بعد ما خلصوا صلاة و ضربنى من ورا و انا اتسمرت من الخضة و الاهانة و هو مشى و كمل عادى... فى ٢٠١٤ تقريبا نزلت المنشية انا و واحدة صاحبتى و كل الناس كانت بتتحرش باقذر الكلام لغاية اما وصلت عند باب الزنقة لاسود و رديت على واحد من الغيظ اتكتلوا عليا و ضربونى بزعازيع القصب و انا كنت واقفة بهوش بالشنطة بس و محدش عبرنى... فى رمضان ٢٠١٤ وقت الصيام سواق تاكسي ضربنى على رجلى و انا قاعدة ورا و قعد يقلى كلام قذر و الردود اللى جاتلى حتى لو كانت نابعة من قلة الحيلة الا انها كانت بتاذينى ... مشى ورايا واحد من سور نادى الاتحاد لغاية كبرى البراهيمية وقتها كنت صغيرةو كنت معاندة و عايزة احس انى بمشي اى كان اللى بيحصل ق...

here i am sharing something that has gave me the chills..a very raw very inspirational looks and words from an amazingly honest artist         other things she said: I am learning all the time. The tombstone will be my diploma. My recipe for life is not being afraid of myself, afraid of what I think or of my opinions. A man has always wanted to lay me down but he never wanted to pick me up.

حبيبي كان موجود فى كل حاجة فى حياتى الحمد لله انه هو كان جدى و انى اتربيت معاه و شفته بيقدم رسالته و غمرت بحبه الله يرحمه اكتوبر 2015 من ساعة ما وعيت على الدنيا و جدو كان جمبى : هو اللى علمنى اقرا و هو اللى رجعنى اقرا بعد ما كنت فاكرة ان ده سبب نبذى من مجموعة صحابى. هو اللى علمنى اشى مسافات طو يلة و احب المشى هو اللى علمنى احب العود عشان كان بيعزفه و يخلينى اغنى معاه و يسجلى كان هو المشجع الاكبر ليا كان بيقلى انى فنانة و بعرف اغنى بصرف النظر عن انه شايف انى مينفعش اكتب او اعمل اى حاجة ليها علاقة بسرد احداث او راى او خبرة لانى ننوسة صغيرة زى ما بيقول. و انا صغيرة كانت فسحتنا المنشية لغاية دلوقتى كل الناس تعرفنى هناك و كل ما بدخل محل جتى فى اديق زقاق يقولولى وصليلنا السلام للحاج محمد. بيمشى رافع راسه على طول حتى بعد ما تعب و تيتا بقت تصمم تنزل معاه عشان تسنده لو جرا حاجة يقلها امشى ورايا و يرفع راسه وكانه اصغر منى ما شاء الله. امبارح انا كنت تعبانة اوى و عرف انى نازلة اجيب ادوات الكلية سرب تيتا و صمم ينزل معايا زى ايام ما كنت صغيرة و دخلنا فى كل زقاق و و...

 october 2015 the reason why i write whatever i write is, because it feels brave. it makes me feel like i am creating a world from scratch. i can write whatever my heart desi res ,about whoever it desires, or whatever that has ever hurt it, and it'd be less painful than keeping it in . i feel like these words are what's gonna stay after i leave. they'll go with the wind to the places my soul couldn't reach with a heavy body ,and social boundaries .so i try keeping them as sweet and honest as possible. i try to keep them light, that's what i own to a world that has given me so much to feel.

I see too many things at once. I notice shadows. Think about them. And while I do that, I miss other things. Important things. I can’t stop looking, even when I have to stop. I get lost in ifs. They are always there and I should only be able to tune in to them if I’m on the right frequency. But that’s the thing about me: The frequencies don’t divide

الحياة مربكة جدا بيقولوا ان كل يوم حياة جديدة بس انا بصحى على نفس السرير بنفس الهدوم و اللى سبته امبارح مختفاش خلال نومى انا معرفش انا موجودة فين من الحضارة فى العالم و موجودة فين على الارض من النجاح و معرفش اذا كان ربنا بيحبنى او لا بس انا بحبه اكيد و معرفش اذا كنت شخص سيئ او جميل و معرفش الجميل بيعرف جماله ازاى او السيئ بيعرف انه سيئ ازاى و اتصرف ازاى حيال ده انا لقيت نفسي فى حاجات كتير الناس مبتشملهاش و لو اتكلمت عن احترام عرى البنى ادم (معنويا مش ماديا كما خلقك الله معنويا) كلمة عرى بتتكتب على اورتى و بيحطوا في ايدى كاس و فى بوقى سيجارة و شعر بيطير و بتسما اسامى غير اسمى و النقاشات بتاخد خط مبيتغيرش ..انا مزهقتش انا بس .. مش عارفة اى حاجة و ده مخيف انا عندى لسة بقايا حاجات كانت لازم تخلص و مخلصتش و صعب تشوف جمال الحاجات و تسيب اللى عايز تسيبه اللى المفروض تسيبه و كل اللى بيحاوطك افواه بتفتى و بتبعتك من مكان للتانى صعب متبتديش تفكر فى كل الغلط اللى عملته فى حياتك و تقف قدام شغلك و هو مش معمول عشان خايف تبدا لما بدايات كتير كانت غلط. كل بداية محتاجة قدر اكبر من السلام قدر اكبر من تقب...

2015 You teach kids to be grateful but you never tell them why your thirsty hearts ask them greedily for some of the raw love they have but you don't get it cause you never bother to earn it. you grow up more and you fall for a mellow soul arms that you picture their hug as a hug from a summer cloud or a hug from those nude little angels in famous paintings you ask for love once more but you don't get quite what you want so you yell and you tell her that you sacrifice you do sacrifice your time to be with her and then ask why does the world feel so cold when she leaves you with the door wide open  it's because you don't know what sacrifice is you can't see past your problems past your body past your selfish love. 

"You have to accept that some people are not made for deep conversations, or for holding you together when you’re about to fall apart, or for keeping you from unzipping your skin, or for talking you out of suicide, or to love you through the worst moments of your life. Some people are made for shallow exchanges, and ridiculous banter, and nothing more. And that’s okay. That doesn’t make them horrible people because they simply aren’t able to handle a storm like you. It doesn’t make you a bad person because you won’t divulge all the gritty details of your horror show. It makes you smart. You have to accept that there will be people that cannot give you what you need. It doesn’t mean they are not worth keeping in your life. You just have to figure out who these ones are before you’re disappointed. And you have to keep them at arm’s length. You cannot expect everyone in your life to understand, to be nonjudgmental, to get it. But that’s okay, because not everyone was made to impart w...

 april 7th 2017 Sometimes i wake up very detached from everything i have to touch my skin stand in front of a mirror repeat i exist i exist i exist just so it starts feeling real just so i can get back my memories that angels have been playing through while i was sleeping. Good lord higher than the highest skies i can feel your soft grip over my little heart i can feel your hand patting my head when i speak to you in my prayers please grace me with your peace use me for your peace put me where i need to be today where i could serve you with all what you've given me. Amen

Speaking to the skies in their own language dipping my self in holy water i am standing alone yet i have the mountains holding my back feet so deep in the water my body means more than it has ever did i am calm but my heart is humming to new rhythms.. now i cut all the poor old ties the fake bonds i drown the words of desperation and stand in the middle of the world allowing myself to be finally accepted physically and mentally as a part of something bigger of endless horizon unseen powers that are felt so deeply they shake you to the core . I am no longer a healer i am not a savior not a goddess or even a mother I don't curse my memories I don't believe in the past anymore now i stand with pure blood untainted by lies untouched by hate my time isn't defined by lovers and truths aren't bent to match the curve of my waist. Letters are written lost and rewritten hidden in closets waiting for when i leave to finally mean something history is dangerous it...

19.8.2016 No matter how anxious I am now how insomniac and how stressed I am now of the whole college and grades thing I know I'll grow to love it. I learned that I can do whatever I want if I truly want it and I think I want to give all god's creatures a presence on the papers not only in words but also in shapes in wild confident lines a real visual thing the eye could make love to I'd love to let my hands loose see how they speak for my eyes see what colours they want to spell what colours they want to splash see them taking a nice getaway from a world that has lost it's mind obsessing over sex and what to hide of your body rather than glorifying the skin

Emilia Clarke gives heartfelt advice to her 18-year-old self. From her career, to dating, to school, to family, and everything in between, Emilia reveals what she wishes she knew at that formative age. via Teen Vogue on youtube 

A month or so ago I decided that sexual harassment shouldn't be a part of my everyday life it shouldn't traumatize me it shouldn't be the dominant thought when i look at a guy when i walk the streets everyday it shouldn't keep me from wearing what i like I decided that i am not going to excuse harassers i am not going to give them the benefit of the doubt if they don't believe in personal space in consent in respect they shouldn't be a part of my life..  a few days ago i decided that i am classifying judgmental comments and shaming in general as a form of harassment i will not bear the fruit of an inorganic feeling planted by force by the intention of destruction i will not let the bad words get so deep in my mind that they'll manifest themselves at 3am proudly as if they are a part of who i am. this isn't me. I will not tolerate people who don't believe in acceptance in personal differences in mental illness people who don't know what the word c...

مؤخرا بقيت اروح الاتيليه مع احمد كل يوم الصبح و جمب الاتيليه فيه ولد على عربية فول فى سنى تقريبا بيملى السندوتشات و يحطها فى الكيس بسرعة خارقة و هو بيصفر و تديله فلوس يقول لا خلاص و بتاع و انا ببقا عاوزة اديله الفلوس كلها عشان اول ما بشوفه كلمة goals بتنور فى السما بالنيون و بقعد اتخيل نفسي و انا ماسكة لوحة فحم او رصاص و بغمق هنا و اسيب هنا و الاقيها بالقدرة الالهية ظهرت سبحان الله. فكل يوم و انا ماشية جمب احمد اقوله عاوزة ابقا زى الولد بتاع الفول يا احمد يقلى اشتغلى كتير و انا اقعد اتخيل الولد لما كان لسة فاتحها جديد و بيملى السندوتشات بسرعة البنى ادمين عادى و بعدين اتطور و بعدين فكرت اروح اساله اتطور فى اد ايه و بعدين لاقيتها فكرة سيئة و اخر ما اتذكر اخر بنت ذوات فى السينما فتحت كلام مع واحد كسيب من الشارع كان في فيلم احكى يا شهرزاد و خدعها و ولعت فيه بجاز و قعدت تنطط و هربت وانا لو هربت هسيب الكلية و الكتب و الداتا و مش هكون زي الولد برضو فقررت انى اتابعه فى صمت و خلاص

In first grade, a boy named John— a notorious troublemaker—systematically chased every girl in our class during recess trying to kiss her on the lips. Most gave in eventually. It was easier to give in than keep running. When it was my turn, I turned and faced him, grabbed his glasses off his weasel face, and stomped on them on the hard blacktop. He ran to the principal’s office and cried. In fifth grade, I was asked to be a boy’s girlfriend over email. It was the first email I ever received. He actually told me he wanted to send me an email, so I went home and made an AOL account. We went to a carnival and he won me a Garfield stuffed animal, and then he gave me a 3 Doors Down CD. A few days later, he broke up with me, and asked for Garfield and the CD back. I said no. In sixth grade, a girl in my year gave head to an eighth grader in the back of the school bus while playing Truth or Dare. In the summer after sixth grade, I kissed a boy for the first time at sleep away camp. He was my ...

Don't be ashamed to weep; 'tis right to grieve. Tears are only water, and flowers, trees, and fruit cannot grow without water. But there must be sunlight also. A wounded heart will heal in time, and when it does, the memory and love of our lost ones is sealed inside to comfort us.   

3.8.2016 It's a bad day but I've got some money that i am going to spend today i am sick but we can eat until i can get even sicker and i have white little withering flowers scattered all over my bed come love me or tell the universe to do it for you i don't want to be drowned in love so they'd later find my corpse by the end of the day when you go your way and all the love dries up i want to be swallowed consumed whole so not even a single hair of mines could make it to the shore can you do this for me love for the sake of all the good times?

The beauty is that we don't have to live that way. We always have a choice and although it can be hard to get out of the self-doubt mindset, with practice and some self-love, it's possible. So here are 30 affirmations to start practicing in those moments when you feel the self-doubt taking over. 1. My self-doubt is natural. It does not define me. 2. I am whole and complete regardless of outside circumstances. 3. I am perfectly flawed. 4. Perfection is an illusion that I will not chase. 5. I believe in myself. 6. I am capable of living a life beyond my wildest dreams. 7. I am not a victim. I am powerful! 8. I have innate value and purpose within me. 9. I will embrace this present moment and the beauty that surrounds me. 10. I will cultivate a sense of self-love and self-worth today. 11. I will do the best I can do today. I don't need to worry about tomorrow. 12. I am thankful I am able to be kind and loving to myself. 13. I am my best friend. ...

for all the love you give me everyday for the good moments and the bad moments Dear God, Thank you for your promise to reveal your glory to us in heaven. Thank you for your grace and for your everlasting love. Lord, we come to you today to pray for our closest friends and companions on this earth. We pray that you give them the strength to overcome their battles as well as the insight to help us overcome ours. You know, Allah, that this world can be tough, and we just ask your guiding hand to work in and through us to say, do and be exactly who you need us to be to guide each other back to your light. Thank you, Lord, for giving us each other to lean on as we walk through this journey called life. You truly do take care of those who love you. Amen via: https://www.dayspring.com/articles/a-prayer-for-my-best-friends

"I don't give a shit what the world thinks. I was born a bitch, I was born a painter, I was born fucked.  but I was happy in my way."  -Frida Kahlo  

May 14th 2017:  Break the dam water the thirsty lands with your tears plant agony and sing to the brown dead soil with angels at dawn until god turns it into strength wear your enemies skin like an armor fight a home that holds your ankles when you are about to run a home that hangs you on a wall like a painting shows you off as all what you are not Break the curse break the curse break the curse.      

the painting is by frida khalo

i have put my agony in small glass boxes and stood by them on the street because i was told to do so. i had been waking  up every night at 3 am by voices telling me to come out until i did and my chest didn't feel as heavy. tell me how do you get your heart ready for losing a part of it how can you feel safe when you have strangers dressed in black visiting you  weeping at the edge of your bed every night telling you that this heart of yours is going to be scarred by the first real mark of loss and it will be so brutal that nothing will ever be the same. well i have told them that i've thrown away a thousand lives before  that i had lost this little heart of mine in a years long war and in it's place i have the soul of a lone tree in the middle no where. a soul i was gifted in a ritual where the lord himself  was present where time didn't exist where i wasn't worried about thirst or the cold night for he had sent us a fire that kept us warm and safe a fire so...

The most despicable thing humans have done is associate the word “mundane” with a human life. The notion that a life could be mundane. Insane. In high school I remember being asked what made me saddest. I answered, “the unfulfilled life”. The notion that a life could be unfulfilled. Insane. In Psychology class I remember learning about the stages of life. Studying old age, senior citizens, reflecting on life and asking “What was the point of my existence?” We learned depression is common in this stage of life. My professor apologized for the depressing lecture. I wondered why it was depressing. The notion that a life could be pointless. Insane. I recently attended a yoga workshop where we were asked to find a partner, share a mat, sit comfortably, and look into each others eyes. This exercise is not uncomfortable for me, but I know it is for others, so I act shifty-eyed for a few moments before settling my gaze. It took me about a minute, looking into this woman’s eyes, to feel ...

What is a Panic Attack? Panic attacks can be a terrifying experience for anyone who has endured them. Panic attacks can be characterized by an episode of extreme fear or apprehension that often triggers severe physical reactions, even without an apparent cause. Panic attacks can occur suddenly, with little warning or reason and can last for a period of minutes or hours. An individual who experiences a panic attack may report feeling a sense of dying, symptoms of a heart attack, loss of control of themselves, or as if though they are “going crazy”. Attacks can be triggered by fear, extreme stress, or possibly exercise, though the specific cause is not always apparent. Panic attacks are considered to be a type of anxiety disorder, and they are distinguished from other forms of anxiety by their sudden, episodic nature and intensity with which they are experienced. If you or a loved one has experienced panic attacks, you may find yourself living in a crippling fear of having another a...

Imagine how you treat yourself on a daily basis as if you were another person, in a relationship with you. Are you good to yourself? Is your mind kind to your body and soul? In my practice and my own psycho-spiritual journey, I see that at times we all: *Beat ourselves up with cruel self-talk *Set ourselves up for failure with unrealistic expectations *Deprive ourselves of things we deserve through self-sabotaging behaviors *Abuse our bodies through neglect or harmful choices These behaviors wreak havoc on our mental and physical health, our relationships, and our careers. We must choose a different path. After 20 years of counseling individuals and couples, as well as doing my own inner work, I’ve come to believe that perhaps our greatest life lesson is learning how to fully accept and love ourselves. For only when we are truly aligned with our own beautiful and unique spirit, can we completely and authentically give and receive real love. This is because when we love ...

2/5/2016: it's summer already and the stars I've kissed blindly in the winter cold are coming out of their hiding in tribes I recognized my star from when the earth started feeling a little tender under my feet when the words I've sent her  echoed in my ears when a feeling to just be completely embraced ,enveloped washed all over me i then looked up to meet her gaze and my insides melted i went back to feeling myself as if i was under water all this time holding my breath and suddenly my needy lungs got the air they needed. Some are asking me to visit lands where my hands can cup a tree where all the flowers it knows are those that are in my hands those sprouting from my back and the ones on my head when i'll step foot in it .they are asking me to give it a chance that i don't have in me ,telling me that it's sunny just the way i like it. and i swear I didn't stay in the wind's lands alone for that long ,chose to build and rebuild my home alone after eve...

Twenty years ago, life challenged me. I became depressed and everything in my life shattered and changed. I felt like I was drifting away from myself and all that I knew. In a moment of despair, I realized I had a vision and a dream that I had never actualized. I always wanted to be an artist but did not have the time or skill, and did not know how to go about learning. It was a turning point in my life. I became increasingly depressed and immobilized. In spite of therapy, self-help books, and workshops, I was floundering. I was trying to find something outside myself to ease my pain. Then, there was a miracle. A friend of mine invited me to a studio to make art. It was a ray of hope—something that interested me. Everything in my life had turned bland until I started to paint. Art became my sun, my water, and my food. It energized me so much that I felt alive again. I fell in love with becoming an artist. I started painting every day. My creative process was like a river: a wellspr...