Angel

1.8.2018  Swaying my way into the temple with my teeth missing and my blood running down my lips i rest my face on the alter and sacrifice what is left of me to the sky... Blood seeps onto the  white fine clothing and i scream to the emptiness outside i scream to awake sleeping angels alarm them to my pain.. I am in pain beaten by days. brought with the waves of my own ocean of misery to the shore cold and blue and shaking time runs like rivers outside while i am barely crawling. This is the side of reality that i choose to make pretty so your eyes don't get hurt this is the side you chose to deny the pain we laughed about. These are the wounds of defeat these are the bones that turned cold from loneliness. I bet you are surprised i bet you are thinking how come such sadening things would be a part of all the fun i bet you'll run away before the tears flood your hours or wet your sense of judgment so that you actually care.. But i beg you to leave me on the ground un...

30.7.2018 Mother earth please let go of me save my roots for a girl to grow over and release me give me the freedom your lovers over us have given birds give me the power to hold my breath until it's nothing give me the luxury of finally being silent. Mother eath you taught me to hear you you told me to sing the songs your depths chant every morning but you don't like my voice and i don't plan on living shunned over my nature  i beg you release me and save the world from one more conflict save it from a confusing paradox save it from handeling an echo that was once a singular voice i don't want to be an echo. Mother earth let me go let me meet my final destiny my soul is thirsty for more than food and water and i am a strange fruit , a wild flower that was planted in the wrong womb put in the rough hands of abandonment without a warning and i wish for nothing more than to go silently. Have you ever heard of a flower taking it's own life crushing it sweetly unde...

اكثر ما احب فيك انك تذكرني بحقول الفاكهة و تذكرني بالسلام.  اظن انك و السلام قد خلقتما في الظروف نفسها اظن انك و السلام رافقتما بعضكما البعض حتى وصل كل منكما الى مرساه هنا و اكاد اجزم ان في كل مرة تشرد بذهنك تدور عيناك في المكان تبحث عنه و هو اخوك الضائع . ارى في عينيك الوقت ياخذ مجاريه بهدوء ارى الوقت لا يحاول ملاحقة ايامك بل يرافقها ينسال برفق من بينها جداول شفافة تشفي و تندي و تغسل الاحداث لتستقبل كل مرحلة بقلب ندي نظيف.  ____ علي حدود المدن تتجلى الحياوات و تستيقظ الادعية في المعابد و تروى بالخوف من السقوط على الجانب الاخر و بدمع الانتظار  و نحن النازحين من اراض الماضي الى حدود المستقبل نعرف ان الانتظار لعنة تشل الاعصاب و تتلف العزائم نعرف ان القرارات تحمل من اليقين و التصديق في العالم ما لا يعرفه المنتظرون نعرف اننا المصدقون بتوابع الالم فلا نخافه. نحن النازحون من اراض الماضي الى حدود المجهول و الماضي منثور في العالم يحوم حول المصائر و المجهول هو الكلمة القادمة و المجهول هو قلبك في اليوم التالي بعدما مشيت في صحراء الوحدة تتمنى انيس لم يحن وقته بعد.....

23.7.2018 I got this urge recently to try and find one solid defintion about myself one i could finish  an argument a defintion like the one i read in dictionaries except maybe a bit more poetic so i coul whisper it to a lover in a balcony one day while watching the sun rise as if it was always there .so easy.as if i was born with a catlogue as if i didn't fall into old traps  while trying to toy with feelings to test them as if i didn't get poisened by words before or took somebody's vision of me as the ultimate truth which i wish was true but it isn't i have stayed up so often trying to make plans to be more silent for a loved one smaller for another i have so many self defence mechanisms and i don't know what's more annoying the fact that i feel the need to  use them too many times a day or my awarness of it all.. I am trying to find a definition because in my head it seems like the perfect solution for everything so that i could isolate myself without loo...

I think that fear is a parasite that develops with time. I was told as a child that confessing makes you better that an insecurity is a silly thought that as soon as i come out with it my sky wil be pink and my friends will hold my hands forever and stick to me because i have showed my truth.. I was told that fear is a lie my head made up and that it's my choice to either get trapped within the lies i created or be freed.. But mother oh mother why does the truth ta ste so bitter why does it taste more like another fear of judgment why do my hands shake and my body breaks into shivers after i would supposedly come out. You told me that confessing will free me you told me i'd break my mind's walls not dams mother. I broke dams and tears are what i was met with carrying the desperate need to be understood as a person not a fuckup not a problem not a freak.. Mother i am a freak and when i am alone my body is my land and home is a universe but being out is scary and the truth t...

I count my years by summers.. By the sweetness of fruits and the length of the days by the hope of finding love in new things and new places. the late night fantasies of being truly and completely accepted the fantasies of finding the upmost peak of softness and standing on mountains you were scared to climb  Every morning I know my age by looking at the sun if i feel like i am not ready to face the day i would know that i woke up that day feeling old because the child in me jumps at the opportunity of living of breathing the air of new chances the child in me paints because they want to not thinking of any other thing but the indescribable pleasure of doing something that feeds their soul

16.7.2018 Anger is a place i know too well yet i can't describe it i can't write about it i've even anatomized my own hands after they have brutaly threw thoughts and destroyed people in my head to see if my blood is still the same if the undying rage the power that gripped my heart to palpitation has left any trace of it's existence of what it truly is but i came out with nothing and my feet can't keep still and my eyes are blazing with what i hate and my angels are hiding  behind my back while the devil himself is stripping in front of me in all his unsettling glory setting the air that i breathe on fire.. Suddenly the bad mouths matter more than they should the bad thoughts people have said dismissively are wrapping themselves around my neck and i want to prove everyone everything i want to pour my blood over alters and show what i am made of i want to keep on talking phrasing their feelings putting their misery to sleep so they would know that i am trying i am ...

They say that life is an illusion that true life lies way behind the horizons i see but if it's true if my life was a few seconds compared to the infenity of my future immortality i want it all to pass like a nap in a field full of flowers..  On nights like these when i think of death i think of leaving calmly with my faith drapped over my withering existence and the memories of my loved ones i hope that their memories would meet the wind this way untold stories will reach good hearts... I want to always be remembered as a flower