Angel

being different is scary it's so scary it's like you never have a reference  and i stick in each place like a sore thumb. i used to hate it i hated so much because i was a kid raised to be perfect i was meant to get the highest grades . my parents and teachers thought that i am so smart and i remember getting those grades they wished only on the subjects i loved. it's just that i was an over sensitive kid and i  know my parents didn't mean it but by pushing me so hard to be perfect when i didn't know why exactly i should do it i got systematized that i should be perfect to deserve love and respect  the more i push myself the more i am respected and in a way this  might be true. but when talking to your little kid it's very important to point out how you love them and how they are worth everything no matter what because i always had the spirit of the artist i only discovered it when i got old but i was always the person that can't do something t...

كل فترة و لانى شخص مريح فى الكلام شوية ناس بيفتحولى قلبهم و يبتدوا يتكلموا من واقع عشمهم عن ازاى انا لازم اكون احلى ساعات بيكون الكلام ده جاى من مكان طيب و بيكون قصده معنوى زى هدى صوتك خليكى اعقل  لكن الاكتر بيكون الكلام واقعه سطحى اكتر بمعنى : مفكرتيش تخسي يا سارة؟ مش شايفة ان فلانة احلى منك عشان بس واخدة بالها من جمالها اكتر ؟ مش عاوزة تحردى وسطك ؟ معندكيش حد توريه جمالك الحقيقي؟ بعترف انى فى وقت كنت بقارن نفسي بالبنات و وقف عند ١٥ سنة بعدها بقيت اشوف جمال كل ست عشان اتعلمت اشوف جمال نفسي و اتعلمت اتقبل جسمى و انى مش بيونسيه و ممكن احاول اكون شبهها بس يمكن ان بصحتى و مبسوطة و مش مضايقنى الكام كيلو دول قد ما مضايقين الناس. لكن كتر الكلام خلق علاقة i hate you i love you ما بينى و ما بين جسمى انا بحبه عشان انا بحبه بس بكرهه عشان انا بحبه بس بيسمعنى كلام زى السم ممكن ميكونش له معنى فعلا بس كلام و كتير و نيته نقد توبيخ او اهانة ساعات. من قريب حد عزيز عليا اوى قعد معايا و قالى انا مش شايفك بتخسي يا سارة فرديت قلت انه occasional كيلو او اتنين مش حاجة مصرة عليها فقالى انه انا معنديش ...

A few examples of how to escape a relationship/friendship that no longer serves you  Scénario 1:  The light goes out and when it's back on you are already gone  Scénario 2: The light goes out and when it's back on a paper is in your chair with a poem about how you can't take it.. Remember never think of their reaction let them handle it the way they let you handle everything Scénario 3: Mirror their actions feed them the truth they want bland the same way you were fed unhear them in a way that whatever you know about them doesn't matter you'll eventually hit a soft spot bruise an ego or step on an insecurity this will be a long process the light will go out and when it's back the room is yours Scénario 4: Ask them for help they will flee before the light goes out and the room will be dark for a bit but remember that the power will be back or the morning will hit and the sun will melt away the ice of fear and despair Scénario 5: When in an argument use the same ...

A few days ago there was this post that everyone was sharing about how they are ready to listen to those who have suicidal thoughts and offer tea and coffee and a warm hug and i wanted to share it so bad but i knew i couldn't: i have been through it i know the feeling of having not an ounce of hope being completely helpless have sadness wash over you like cold waves that make you litteraly shudder and i would love to help but i can't handle it i can't listen to anyone's pain at the moment as it hits sore spots and as a person who has listened beyond rheir capacity just for the sake oh helping i know that it's not mostly about listening but aiding a hurt person makes you prone to emotional punching and it's when they are very frustrated they start taking their pain out on you or toying with your feelings for a moment of temporary pleasure or only ever talk to you if they are hurt no matter how hurt you could be or how unwell you could be feeling they will dismi...

2 years ago i was deep into a pit of desperation i was having thoughts that aren't mine void of any sense of myself i was writing for others and i was painting with other people's hands i had other ears on me and some loved ones that i traded with traitors for i was unable to see what love they were offering and went begging for a home when my home was right behind me  . It was all me no one had put me there i took the steps and went back home when the red flags of death were floating in the sky carried by ravens it was like a struck of lightning i ran back unaware of where to go but a small part of me  has held into the maps of my old life like it knew i would ve going back.. I went back to see my mother my grandma and all the women i knew huddled by the window in black gowns murmuring prayers watering the wooden floors with tears i slept by their feet i hugged the remains of me i collected the torn photos in my head and worked until i formed faces i reco...

Berlin ArtParasites January 29, 2015  ·  bedtime story: “Dear Future Me, I hope that today you are the person you always set out to be. I hope you accomplished everything that they said you could never do. How many lives do you change in a day? Do you speak out for what is right, or sit there regretting your silence? I hope you are what I’m not. I hope you speak out with such a voice that everyone around you can hear it even when you aren’t speaking. I want you to have power in the way you speak- giving light into someone’s world filled with darkness. I hope you live as if you are the only one capable of making a difference, and embracing that ability in the best way possible. You don’t need to have your name written in the text of a history book, but you need to live to make your words give life to the ones who thought they didn’t deserve one. When you read this letter, I hope you are somewhere where all of you previous goals can be made accomplishment...

so recently i have wanted to end my life ..i even  wrote this glorious note about how breathing became suffocating . i wrote about how everyone is willing to only ever half love me .. to offer me their leftovers of what life they have lived ..go on about their happy lives and leave me to the late hours of the point where i have stopped looking in the mirror and seeing a museum..i started seeing a count i started seeing a court i started seeing crosses nails blood wasted for nothing my blood was wasted for nothing i would wish that i am empty rather than changed .. so  i decided that i am going to unlearn a few things in order not to fall in the same state any time soon .. 1. taking lessons:      i will not be emptied of who i am to fit their shit .they all say i am natural the way i get to embrace a person but the moment i seek a hand to caress my back i'd be asking for more than i deserve the only thing i see natural about me sitting there taking what they...

somewhere in the world there's this beautiful beautiful young woman with the coal black hair ,perfect olive skin and a dashing smile. she existed perfectly, in a very real and raw way she was courageous enough to face her humanity ... she'd play piano and stars would gather to listen attentively to the point where she befriended some and they resided her hair adorning it in a way that nobody has ever seen before they became a part of her shining nicely swimming within the depths of her strands when she plays her magic ..but just like everything in this world  they began faltering  with time some of them leaving for other skies during the night others simply dying falling while she's walking .. the departure of her  beloved stars made her sad to the point where her hair was floating in her tears ..she stopped playing the piano and wandered foreign grounds calling for the stars who left willing them to mourn the loss of others with her willing them to see what pain s...

Anxiety is manifested inability of the self to escape from inward projection of its issues.  The truth is out there and if one does not get out of themselves and into the world anxiety will keep prevailing.  Not everything is about you.  Escape the self-limiting paradigm and face the grandiosity of the cosmos. Set yourself free.  ✨ I was about to write something about this.. About how i get hit once and it's multiplied 20000 times in my head it keeps replaying it invades my dreams reigns my nightmares but i am trying to be good i am trying to be better stronger love harder without letting love harm me without forcing myself to swallow daggers to prove my strength to love beyond my capacity so i could be validated to access my worthiness....  I am determind to end this summer with more love than ever with a deeply set knowledge that it's okay that i am okay i am normal and sensitivity is not a disease i am determind to not run away from harm ...

The most brutal thing sadness can do is rob you your imagination..the little dreams the power of hope so you are left with open  empty hands and a dry mouth. I have been empty for a while running on shallow laughs and scruntizing and inspecting myself to pass the time while in reality things don't work like that. You wish that humans were mathematicaly moved that feelings could be put on a scale of strength from 1 to 10 you wish that opening would bring you closer to a truth.. It only brings pain. The theories i had of myself are only here to haunt me they keep me up at night they make me into a living nightmare void of any little dreams stripped off my hope left to suffer it's withdrawls. I am not sorry for my sadness or the time it took to know that the truth isn't inside me but i am the truth and a truth is not angelic it's not pristine white it doesn't appear with wings and the beautiful sound of harp it's just familiar and it doesn't come to light ...

1.8.2018  Swaying my way into the temple with my teeth missing and my blood running down my lips i rest my face on the alter and sacrifice what is left of me to the sky... Blood seeps onto the  white fine clothing and i scream to the emptiness outside i scream to awake sleeping angels alarm them to my pain.. I am in pain beaten by days. brought with the waves of my own ocean of misery to the shore cold and blue and shaking time runs like rivers outside while i am barely crawling. This is the side of reality that i choose to make pretty so your eyes don't get hurt this is the side you chose to deny the pain we laughed about. These are the wounds of defeat these are the bones that turned cold from loneliness. I bet you are surprised i bet you are thinking how come such sadening things would be a part of all the fun i bet you'll run away before the tears flood your hours or wet your sense of judgment so that you actually care.. But i beg you to leave me on the ground un...

30.7.2018 Mother earth please let go of me save my roots for a girl to grow over and release me give me the freedom your lovers over us have given birds give me the power to hold my breath until it's nothing give me the luxury of finally being silent. Mother eath you taught me to hear you you told me to sing the songs your depths chant every morning but you don't like my voice and i don't plan on living shunned over my nature  i beg you release me and save the world from one more conflict save it from a confusing paradox save it from handeling an echo that was once a singular voice i don't want to be an echo. Mother earth let me go let me meet my final destiny my soul is thirsty for more than food and water and i am a strange fruit , a wild flower that was planted in the wrong womb put in the rough hands of abandonment without a warning and i wish for nothing more than to go silently. Have you ever heard of a flower taking it's own life crushing it sweetly unde...

اكثر ما احب فيك انك تذكرني بحقول الفاكهة و تذكرني بالسلام.  اظن انك و السلام قد خلقتما في الظروف نفسها اظن انك و السلام رافقتما بعضكما البعض حتى وصل كل منكما الى مرساه هنا و اكاد اجزم ان في كل مرة تشرد بذهنك تدور عيناك في المكان تبحث عنه و هو اخوك الضائع . ارى في عينيك الوقت ياخذ مجاريه بهدوء ارى الوقت لا يحاول ملاحقة ايامك بل يرافقها ينسال برفق من بينها جداول شفافة تشفي و تندي و تغسل الاحداث لتستقبل كل مرحلة بقلب ندي نظيف.  ____ علي حدود المدن تتجلى الحياوات و تستيقظ الادعية في المعابد و تروى بالخوف من السقوط على الجانب الاخر و بدمع الانتظار  و نحن النازحين من اراض الماضي الى حدود المستقبل نعرف ان الانتظار لعنة تشل الاعصاب و تتلف العزائم نعرف ان القرارات تحمل من اليقين و التصديق في العالم ما لا يعرفه المنتظرون نعرف اننا المصدقون بتوابع الالم فلا نخافه. نحن النازحون من اراض الماضي الى حدود المجهول و الماضي منثور في العالم يحوم حول المصائر و المجهول هو الكلمة القادمة و المجهول هو قلبك في اليوم التالي بعدما مشيت في صحراء الوحدة تتمنى انيس لم يحن وقته بعد.....

23.7.2018 I got this urge recently to try and find one solid defintion about myself one i could finish  an argument a defintion like the one i read in dictionaries except maybe a bit more poetic so i coul whisper it to a lover in a balcony one day while watching the sun rise as if it was always there .so easy.as if i was born with a catlogue as if i didn't fall into old traps  while trying to toy with feelings to test them as if i didn't get poisened by words before or took somebody's vision of me as the ultimate truth which i wish was true but it isn't i have stayed up so often trying to make plans to be more silent for a loved one smaller for another i have so many self defence mechanisms and i don't know what's more annoying the fact that i feel the need to  use them too many times a day or my awarness of it all.. I am trying to find a definition because in my head it seems like the perfect solution for everything so that i could isolate myself without loo...

I think that fear is a parasite that develops with time. I was told as a child that confessing makes you better that an insecurity is a silly thought that as soon as i come out with it my sky wil be pink and my friends will hold my hands forever and stick to me because i have showed my truth.. I was told that fear is a lie my head made up and that it's my choice to either get trapped within the lies i created or be freed.. But mother oh mother why does the truth ta ste so bitter why does it taste more like another fear of judgment why do my hands shake and my body breaks into shivers after i would supposedly come out. You told me that confessing will free me you told me i'd break my mind's walls not dams mother. I broke dams and tears are what i was met with carrying the desperate need to be understood as a person not a fuckup not a problem not a freak.. Mother i am a freak and when i am alone my body is my land and home is a universe but being out is scary and the truth t...

I count my years by summers.. By the sweetness of fruits and the length of the days by the hope of finding love in new things and new places. the late night fantasies of being truly and completely accepted the fantasies of finding the upmost peak of softness and standing on mountains you were scared to climb  Every morning I know my age by looking at the sun if i feel like i am not ready to face the day i would know that i woke up that day feeling old because the child in me jumps at the opportunity of living of breathing the air of new chances the child in me paints because they want to not thinking of any other thing but the indescribable pleasure of doing something that feeds their soul

16.7.2018 Anger is a place i know too well yet i can't describe it i can't write about it i've even anatomized my own hands after they have brutaly threw thoughts and destroyed people in my head to see if my blood is still the same if the undying rage the power that gripped my heart to palpitation has left any trace of it's existence of what it truly is but i came out with nothing and my feet can't keep still and my eyes are blazing with what i hate and my angels are hiding  behind my back while the devil himself is stripping in front of me in all his unsettling glory setting the air that i breathe on fire.. Suddenly the bad mouths matter more than they should the bad thoughts people have said dismissively are wrapping themselves around my neck and i want to prove everyone everything i want to pour my blood over alters and show what i am made of i want to keep on talking phrasing their feelings putting their misery to sleep so they would know that i am trying i am ...

They say that life is an illusion that true life lies way behind the horizons i see but if it's true if my life was a few seconds compared to the infenity of my future immortality i want it all to pass like a nap in a field full of flowers..  On nights like these when i think of death i think of leaving calmly with my faith drapped over my withering existence and the memories of my loved ones i hope that their memories would meet the wind this way untold stories will reach good hearts... I want to always be remembered as a flower

And what would you say to your younger self.. You would think that age will feel different but it doesn't the sun will only grow warmer and there will be nights when you won't be able to sleep because your skin is so burnt you can see the smoke clouding your room's ceiling but it's okay.. It's always okay you'll fuel your heart with coffee and sometimes fake love promises and fantasies of some jazzy nights try to choose coffee as much as you can though it's safer and it does n't require digging up the guilt that got fisted down your throat. What else little one, the world is scary your mirror will lie roads will choose you and skies will call to you but you always have a choice you rule the world never submit to anyone who calls you their muse it's a trap you honey are your own muse.. Your body is not a homeless shelter It's a full world your life means more than days and words and good lines and bad lines and good nights and ...

عزيزي جدو ما زلت اتسائل كل يوم كيف تمضي الايام هكذا. كاد ان يكتمل العام منذ يوم ان تركتني ..افتقدك كثيرا. اشتري الكثير من زيت النعناع و الافندر لتبقى رائحتك دائما معي و احمل مناديلك الجميلة في كل حقائبي و اخزن الكراريس فلا احد يعلم متى ساحتاج واحدة لفكرة مشروع جديداو متى ساقابل من يحتاجها .. افتقدك كثيرا و انتظرك بايمان اعمق من ذي قبل و اواسي قلبي باطيافك الهادئة في مناماتي و باليقين الذي لا املك سواه بانك في مكان اخر يليق بك و يليق بما عشت لاجله . جدو .. لا اعرف كيف للحياة ان تنتهي هكذا . كيف لا يرافق زمنكزمني الى اخر الامد .اقف عند بديهيات استمرار العمر طفلة اعماها النكران فجعل الوقت ضباب لا ارى فيه ابعد من الرغبة في استعادة الايام التي اشعر و كانها قد سُلبت مني . و كانها الماء الذي الوم نفسي لانني لم استطع القبض عليه. تفتقدك الارض ,كل ازقة المنشية ,و اطفال الحي تنقصهم الاقلام التي كنت لتعطيهم اياها بحلول الامتحانات . لا اعرف ما اذا كان علي ان اشتريها لهم او انني بذلك اكون قد اخذت مكانك,فلن ياخذ مكانك في الدنيا احد يا جدو . حبيبي ,تدمع عيني دموع صدق و كانت دموعك لئ...

Today's sunset messages: If the angels call you at night if angels appear to you if they have gifted you a sky's touch don't tell anybody..don't spread the word don't tell anyone don't fall into traps the devil has created to find your angels don't lead evil to your good . Pray for your bones to mend pray for your heart to heal pray for your eyes to see beyond the shallow reality the clueless eyes reside

Tell me that i remind you of beginnings tell me that i remind you of the source that the day you met me might be the day life was created not your life but the whole universe the day you met me is the day when birds took their first breaths and wombs got planted Tell me those words that resemble light those words that under a certain care under the eye of love will dissolve into colors warm and cold and everything in between tell me those words that are lacing the breaths you are holding tell me...

 via :https://www.instagram.com/p/BFwjsQSEzMJ/   There is a wealth of symbolism tying lotus flowers to Hinduism, Buddhism, and the ancient Egyptian’s spiritual practices. The ancient Egyptians used the plant extensively as a symbol in the paintings and carvings left on the walls of temples and tombs. Scholars believe the Egyptians viewed the Lotus as a symbol of rebirth because it appeared to sink at night and rise again in the morning. It is now known the plant simply loses old blooms and adds new ones on a daily cycle, but it is still a potent reminder of reincarnation and the mysteries of the afterlife. The priests and other religious leaders also brewed the flowers to make a tea with sedative and mild psychotropic effects, which heightened their sense for ritual work. The Lotus meaning in Hinduism is a little different. As ideas were exchanged with Buddhists for thousands of years, Hindu religious leaders began to use the flower as a symbol of peace and e...

لمى -صديقي الله  الديوان الوحيد وغير المعروف لزياد الرحباني، والذي كتبه في سنّ الحادية عشرة ، منقول من «الغاوون»، العدد 7، 1 أيلول 2008 1 أنا صغير ولسادس مرّة أطفئ الشموع ما أحلى الحياة عند إطفاءة شموع سادسة ما أعرف؟ لا أعرف شيئاً لا أعرف إلا أنّ لي بيتاً بجدران سريراً وصورتَين خبزاً وماء لا غير وأصبحت دنياي بيتاً بجدران سريراً وصورتين خبزاً وماء لا غير. 2 وقالوا يوماً: إن الله صديقي ورحت أفتّش عن صديقي في الأحراج، بين الزهور في الأشجار المورقة، وراء الصخور وخافت منّي العصافير وهربت تُرى صديقي كالعصافير خاف مني وهرب؟ وسألتهم: صديقي هل يخاف؟ قالوا: يخاف ألا تحبّه. وقلت: أين هو؟ وقالوا: في كل مكان. 3 إذا جئت يا صديقي فنذهب إلى الأحراج نذهب إليها نسرقها نقول إنها لنا لي ولك، لا أحد يسمعنا إذا أردت أن تأتي فتعال قبل الشتاء في الشتاء طُرُق المجيء مسكّرة وطرق السفر يقف عليها أُناس كثيرون، لا يبكون، لا يضحكون إنهم مسافرون وعصافير تنتظر موكب الريح هل يصل صوتي إليك عبر كل هذه الأوراق المتسا...