a few things i want to unlearn to stay alive
so recently i have wanted to end my life ..i even wrote this glorious note about how breathing became suffocating . i wrote about how everyone is willing to only ever half love me ..
to offer me their leftovers of what life they have lived ..go on about their happy lives and leave me to the late hours of the point where i have stopped looking in the mirror and seeing a museum..i started seeing a count i started seeing a court i started seeing crosses nails blood wasted for nothing my blood was wasted for nothing i would wish that i am empty rather than changed ..
so i decided that i am going to unlearn a few things in order not to fall in the same state any time soon ..
1. taking lessons:
i will not be emptied of who i am to fit their shit .they all say i am natural the way i get to embrace a person but the moment i seek a hand to caress my back i'd be asking for more than i deserve the only thing i see natural about me sitting there taking what they have to say about me ,if i utter a word, is being a tree: one that holds cheap temporary love promises that were brutally engraved through her skin. one that eats shit to grow but i am not a tree . so you might want to find yourself a tree because i am a dove .
2.not trusting my sense:
i want to unplant the guilt out of my grounds so your words don't bring me to the wars of my doubts ..so i won't conceal the mischief in your eyes editing the lust you give off when you convince me that i'd be nothing without your help and on the course of the time we walked together you never helped on the course of the time we walked together you claimed to have answers to the problems i don't see in myself but the real question is do you actually believe in your existence
3.Defending myself
if someone demands with blazing eyes and shaking hands answers to question he is too scared to ask himself run away.
4.Accepting plans
if someone demands with soft eyes and a smile that makes your heart unsettled to map out your life to tell you what you should be doing and what you should have done as if you are incapable of seeing what's good for you as if you can't take control over your life .Run away
5.if someone stayed to convince you that you are unstable that you can't take control over your life ..push at their chest make them hit the wall look them in the eye tell them that they have been desperate for control their whole life they are trying to include people in their misery and then dig the arrow they shot at you deep enough to harm their nerves and understand that an abuser is a source of pain that feeds on the vulnerability of others so stopping the cycle of violence may sound like a peaceful option when in fact it's the more painful ..hurt them or they'll eat you alive
6.if your lover expresses how he wishes you were easier leave him without a note
7. if your lover makes you doubt yourself if he makes you think that whatever horrible shit he has done is acceptable if he robs you the right to feel to the point you consider that you have been lying to yourself .. leave him leave the ways you walked leave your room change your number and never doubt your feelings never doubt yourself
8. i want to unlearn to be a pleaser..
see i have felt the glory of existing truly waking up and being thankful for every breath being able to feed off the sun i have breathed the sweet sweet air of freedom i have loved my body for what it is ..
but i have been set back and i have stayed in places i am dying to leave and lost weight to fit dresses instead of buying bigger dresses i put my head down when they shamed me for my body i let them win i even apologized for being myself i have accepted people who hurt me because a nun told me that i should be forgiving when i know that love wouldn't have loved to see me suffering
and for that i will only ever exist for myself
9.i am going to unlearn to be worried about every little thing so that i could actually live i will stop myself whenever it hurts to paint i will stop myself whenever it hurts to write i will not draw out the worst scenarios of failure when i have time to live gently when i have time to dream i will not ever complain to a passerby about how i am not enough how i am not good enough when i should be surrounding myself with the proofs that there's nothing such as enough or not . i am me and that is that.
10.i will unlearn to call myself a fixer i am not a fixer i will not waste my energy trying to free those who don't understand that they are caged in the first place i will not run after people who have left willingly i shall stay where i am build my lands let my truth be unfolded gently build myself for a self is not a treasure you hunt to find a self is not a destiny you reach after certain steps yourself is your home and i am going to build my home
to offer me their leftovers of what life they have lived ..go on about their happy lives and leave me to the late hours of the point where i have stopped looking in the mirror and seeing a museum..i started seeing a count i started seeing a court i started seeing crosses nails blood wasted for nothing my blood was wasted for nothing i would wish that i am empty rather than changed ..
so i decided that i am going to unlearn a few things in order not to fall in the same state any time soon ..
1. taking lessons:
i will not be emptied of who i am to fit their shit .they all say i am natural the way i get to embrace a person but the moment i seek a hand to caress my back i'd be asking for more than i deserve the only thing i see natural about me sitting there taking what they have to say about me ,if i utter a word, is being a tree: one that holds cheap temporary love promises that were brutally engraved through her skin. one that eats shit to grow but i am not a tree . so you might want to find yourself a tree because i am a dove .
2.not trusting my sense:
i want to unplant the guilt out of my grounds so your words don't bring me to the wars of my doubts ..so i won't conceal the mischief in your eyes editing the lust you give off when you convince me that i'd be nothing without your help and on the course of the time we walked together you never helped on the course of the time we walked together you claimed to have answers to the problems i don't see in myself but the real question is do you actually believe in your existence
3.Defending myself
if someone demands with blazing eyes and shaking hands answers to question he is too scared to ask himself run away.
4.Accepting plans
if someone demands with soft eyes and a smile that makes your heart unsettled to map out your life to tell you what you should be doing and what you should have done as if you are incapable of seeing what's good for you as if you can't take control over your life .Run away
5.if someone stayed to convince you that you are unstable that you can't take control over your life ..push at their chest make them hit the wall look them in the eye tell them that they have been desperate for control their whole life they are trying to include people in their misery and then dig the arrow they shot at you deep enough to harm their nerves and understand that an abuser is a source of pain that feeds on the vulnerability of others so stopping the cycle of violence may sound like a peaceful option when in fact it's the more painful ..hurt them or they'll eat you alive
6.if your lover expresses how he wishes you were easier leave him without a note
7. if your lover makes you doubt yourself if he makes you think that whatever horrible shit he has done is acceptable if he robs you the right to feel to the point you consider that you have been lying to yourself .. leave him leave the ways you walked leave your room change your number and never doubt your feelings never doubt yourself
8. i want to unlearn to be a pleaser..
see i have felt the glory of existing truly waking up and being thankful for every breath being able to feed off the sun i have breathed the sweet sweet air of freedom i have loved my body for what it is ..
but i have been set back and i have stayed in places i am dying to leave and lost weight to fit dresses instead of buying bigger dresses i put my head down when they shamed me for my body i let them win i even apologized for being myself i have accepted people who hurt me because a nun told me that i should be forgiving when i know that love wouldn't have loved to see me suffering
and for that i will only ever exist for myself
9.i am going to unlearn to be worried about every little thing so that i could actually live i will stop myself whenever it hurts to paint i will stop myself whenever it hurts to write i will not draw out the worst scenarios of failure when i have time to live gently when i have time to dream i will not ever complain to a passerby about how i am not enough how i am not good enough when i should be surrounding myself with the proofs that there's nothing such as enough or not . i am me and that is that.
10.i will unlearn to call myself a fixer i am not a fixer i will not waste my energy trying to free those who don't understand that they are caged in the first place i will not run after people who have left willingly i shall stay where i am build my lands let my truth be unfolded gently build myself for a self is not a treasure you hunt to find a self is not a destiny you reach after certain steps yourself is your home and i am going to build my home
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