personal post :I gave myself the right to suck

being different is scary it's so scary it's like you never have a reference 

and i stick in each place like a sore thumb.

i used to hate it i hated so much because i was a kid raised to be perfect

i was meant to get the highest grades .

my parents and teachers thought that i am so smart and i remember getting those grades they wished only on the subjects i loved.

it's just that i was an over sensitive kid and i  know my parents didn't mean it but by pushing me so hard to be perfect when i didn't know why exactly i should do it i got systematized that i should be perfect to deserve love and respect 

the more i push myself the more i am respected and in a way this  might be true.

but when talking to your little kid it's very important to point out how you love them and how they are worth everything no matter what because i always had the spirit of the artist i only discovered it when i got old but i was always the person that can't do something they are not passionate about.

i live with passion so much passion and because i failed to convince my parents of such a reality until i reached my senior year i took it upon myself to be perfect and to prove it to every passer by .

it became an open competition with everything and everyone and i don't need to say that i was in defense mode 24/7 and it's not the sort of defense where i am violent but it's the other extreme when you are a push over when each minute feels like a test and bed time is the time where i replay all the events and tell myself how i should've done it better even something as simple as meeting with a friend 

i went to the college of my dreams it was even beyond my dreams i always wanted to be a painter and it was a surprise for me when i discovered that it's actually possible but beginnings were hard for me 

i fear myself i fear mistakes i fear being seen making them 

so despite how my professors ridicule those who had no past painting and drawing experience and no matter how compelled i felt to make up a glorious story about how i discovered that i am a painter i reached a point where i felt very inferior the fun of learning things the passion of receiving new information and opening your eyes to a different part of the world this was all taken from me by the need to look good and to prove everyone wrong .

it got so much harder i became a magnet for abusers those who want to feel better about themselves by putting people down and to me they were heroes they were the cool table that i wish i could sit on only to be sat alone on the tables of the weirdos.

i have being writing since i learned how to do it : i had a diary when i was 5 where i wrote what sorts of baby food my sister eats and how i love her.

i was so interested in knowing the world but leaving school i was trapped in a corner by my own head because it wasn't enough 

i started getting depressed and the people i chose to love at the times were wrong and they consumed what little self worth i had ..i felt like my life was pointless that i was never enough and that's when the suicidal thoughts came and i continued to reach out but i was getting sadder and more pathetic and they were fleeing more than ever.

the story continues to 3 months ago from now when i took a challenge i know i could do that put a great strain on me and because everyone doesn't understand how i work everyone put more pressure on me. i had done the challenge but it wasn't good enough for me and i left with a big scar and a promise to be better and to work endless hours and the problem is whenever i actually work i beat myself up for not being as successful as some people i know that i couldn't work without feeling emotionally exhausting ...off went the little girl who sat by her grandfather telling him a thousand dreams per minute and in her place a sad woman older than her age with so much deception and sadness to fill oceans my mirrors were my enemies i hated who i had become that i need assurance from everyone that i am worth the attention worth their time i would force myself to entertain and be as fun as possible or sarcastic about my problems so i am not a burden but i crumpled under all the pressure the emotional whipping i give myself  was so hard and so deep ai could feel the pain reach the bones of my back and grip it tightly .

until i gave myself the right to be bad 

i gave myself the right to suck to try  and fail to do everything all at once to abondon what people want me to do when i don't to i give myself the right to dream with no limits and to leave a room i am not comfortable in i give myself the right to be messy and be happy with it i give myself the right to be an artist and not have anyone trying to take away the title because of their own thoughts about me i give myself the right to do what i  love even if there's no point in it what so ever 

i gave myself the right to be imperfect to be myself 

i gave myself the right to stand taller and to turn my back to those who don't believe in me 

after all what does one need from people who only want you to feel better about themselves 

what does one want from a consuming friendship a friendship with conditions and qualifications 

who wants a life of being crushed under their dreams unable to breathe by the very thing they live for 

who wants a life of being sad over being themselves 

who wants endless mornings of crying in front of the mirror because they can't please everyone 

who wants to live a life of setting strange rules that are against their nature just to be more accepted 

i don't and so i'll live for myself for my happiness and i will not be threatened by perfection or continue to live a life of competing with my own breaths measuring my success by my suffering .

i will only run by my passion because passion is an endless force while anger is draining 

may we all reach a  point where anger is out of our existence 

may i be strong enough to stand as myself and for myself