diary entry: a memory of the worst day of my life

2 years ago i was deep into a pit of desperation i was having thoughts that aren't mine void of any sense of myself i was writing for others and i was painting with other people's hands i had other ears on me and some loved ones that i traded with traitors for i was unable to see what love they were offering and went begging for a home when my home was right behind me  .

It was all me no one had put me there i took the steps and went back home when the red flags of death were floating in the sky carried by ravens it was like a struck of lightning i ran back unaware of where to go but a small part of me  has held into the maps of my old life like it knew i would ve going back.. I went back to see my mother my grandma and all the women i knew huddled by the window in black gowns murmuring prayers watering the wooden floors with tears i slept by their feet i hugged the remains of me i collected the torn photos in my head and worked until i formed faces i recognized they all held a love of some sort i compared them to the people i just left and found a lover that only took me to silent wars i don't remember anything but silence an intense silence broken brutally in a way to tell me that i am never getting what i want only what i never did i found people who thought of my ears as a bin to discard the shit they collected through out their walk to my place i found people holding onto nonsense like their lives depend on it and i drowned in a heavy wave of regret i regret the time i left you i regret wasting the chances i had with you to the point of wishing to hug you one last time to the point of looking at your pale white face that has let go of life and wish to give you mine just to have you tell me that you love me that you love your little sasi and hold my hand so i could play with the loose skin of it and have you tell me that one day my hands will look just like yours.. I wish you were here