Outgrowing people: a few thoughts on taking and giving what i need

A few days ago there was this post that everyone was sharing about how they are ready to listen to those who have suicidal thoughts and offer tea and coffee and a warm hug and i wanted to share it so bad but i knew i couldn't: i have been through it i know the feeling of having not an ounce of hope being completely helpless have sadness wash over you like cold waves that make you litteraly shudder and i would love to help but i can't handle it i can't listen to anyone's pain at the moment as it hits sore spots and as a person who has listened beyond rheir capacity just for the sake oh helping i know that it's not mostly about listening but aiding a hurt person makes you prone to emotional punching and it's when they are very frustrated they start taking their pain out on you or toying with your feelings for a moment of temporary pleasure or only ever talk to you if they are hurt no matter how hurt you could be or how unwell you could be feeling they will dismiss it all because they see you as a bin where they cab throw all their misfortune and go about life all smiley and truly happy and i know that when you help yiu are not waiting for them to give it back but at least to show you that they appreciate you...

Lately i have met people who i tried to help but were too much. I would leave the room with achy chest and small bombs under my skin that would explode as soon as i am in bed.

I beat myself so hard for not being able to handle them and their words didn't help it's like they are trying to point out your pain in a way that leaves you feeling pathetic i did what they did i saw myself in their eyes and limited my worth to the way i help them i was trying so hard to be loving and to stop the cycle of violence and just swallow any comebacks that would rise up at someone just shaming me with biggest insecurities like it's the most casual thing but at one moment after i gave up what i thought was violence i became the very punching bag i never wished to be  :yelled at into working for free , only ever talked to when they need someone to break the ice and when they have had enough they'll plainly use one of the things you told them while trying to open up for them to feel safe and that means you thought of their safety they thought of their benefit. I started being called names when i would reject men and instead of giving them the piece of my mind that they deserve to get at their childish actions i would defend myself as if accepting so much and giving excuses has made me unable to stand for what i believe in.

The last straw was that guy who was quite famous really who sweet talked both me and my sister i found myself too scared of the lies he would say and tried to drop subtle hints before i blocked him but it didn't satisfy me really it left me enraged.. I became so enraged that certain people's names fuel my anger i thought that maybe it's my que to be a psychopath that by now i know a lot about humans that i can fuck up with them as soon as i see the possibility of them ruining my days but the thought itself tired me out as this is against my nature though i have learned a few lessons:

1. You do not have to fix people. answer them when you don't want to. Tell them that you miss them too when you don't and this for some people might look like obvious statements but they are not. Some of us make the choice of keeping the other person happy even if it hurts but remember that people are phases and those who truly love you will actually care about your comfort and will see clearer than to shame you for not giving them what they want 

2. You are worth more than the capacity of love you give..you might be tricked by the perfect pictures of loving people and mothers to carry more than what your back can handle or to give  out what you need to function properly. trying to be loving is a great thing as it is don't push it to tge extreme of hurting you 

3.get away from emotional suckers even if they are good people at heart not in your story. People are tied by the way they express themselves and if their ways are demanding or unsuitable for you don't think twice before calling it quits you are your first priority 

4. You are your first priority and achieving your dreams is the path you are supposed to take if they are doubting you or making you slow down give them up even if they joke about your incapability jokes are meant to be funny for both parts if not it's called teasing or bullying 

5.it's okay to take a break don't let anyone rob you the right to rest and the break should take as long as you need not as long as they see is good 

And finally helping people is great it's fine as long as you can handle it never help someone that brings you down or that tries to help you in return in all the ways you don't need you are time and your soul is too precious than to endure the pain of committing yourself to people who make you feel like a stranger