lost and found box

The problem I've always had since i was a kid is that i knew exactly what I wanted .i knew where i wanted to end up .and i knew it was never going to be easy especially when i am dealing with a complex personality such as mine.I didn't know myself .i still don't ,not at all. i just have a few ideas about who i might be. about a softness I've touched many times working ,dealing with people ,with lovers ,painting ,or merely being in contact with nature, being touched by nature. i wished i was more lost .i wished i could stumble freely .fall and be actually happy that i could know things again ,that i could look at it from a different perspective. but then reality hits me hard:the world is always going to be the world it'll never change you'll never change even when you think you are .you are going to face a situation that brings out your true colours thick and messy so you are going to merely adapt to it just how animals and plants adapt to their environment every single day. I wished i could stop thinking but i grow up and my thoughts become more intense louder harsher. i start fearing things i start taming my passion because fuck people are so scary they are so so scary that sometimes all i want to do is to tear my head apart throw my body into the nile and convince myself i am one of those lost beauties that were gone happily for a purpose :to satisfy a god. But then god is satisfied he doesn't need me i could be the only one that sees my beauty so that doesn't make it a loss but an impulsive decision that could've been avoided. but more importantly i am not happy i am good always was always gonna be but i am not happy this is why I can't be anything but an artist.
Now i am always distracted by all the things i have in mind all the stress of realizing them actually when i have death holding the back of my neck and no matter how many nights i spent writing and romanticizing death i still can't think of it as any other thing but an enemy a real threat that's going to tear me away from somewhere that's already so scary to some other place that I can't think of without finding myself shaking slightly a place where grandmother used to tell me about on my bed time to have me staying up all night with all kinds of scary shit my little mind came up with swirling wildly. a place my grandfather still fears even when he has told me so many stories about bravery about how he faced things like a hero .see him tear up at the mention of being questioned about his life .i even saw him that one time when he was too sick we all thought he's leaving ,he was holding onto our hands and crying whispering that he was scared he's scared to leave. so am i grandpa so am i i am scared for you and me and all my loved ones. 
I have so many bad traits :I could space out while talking to people ,i forget names ,i am too emotional dramatic ,an ultimate sinner but for my credit i know how to accept that about me I've accepted that i am not an angel nor will i ever be i easily slip into all kinds of wrong decisions but i always go back to god because I know how sweet it is how relieving it is to have some of the things that are making my chest heavy being carried for me because if I haven't gone back so many times I might've had killed myself by now for sure .ive accepted all the pain people have caused me because i have chosen those who did hurt me and forgave them in order to be able to breath the air without smelling the rotten corpses of people I've killed in my mind because I know I've caused people pain myself even when I didn't intend for it to happen. I've caused them pain because I don't know how to trust them I can't take care of them because letting them in long enough to take care of me is dangerous as it is so all I've known is how to take care of myself. I know we are all bad in a way and i am afraid I can't face the bad about them i am afraid my stay will only consist of the time when you enjoy my presence because i am like that i am light enough to caress your cheeks like a breath of cold air in a hot hot day in fucking Arizona but i have to tell you this i feel a need that eats at me to protect myself whenever things start getting deep whenever i am certain that a winter will hit us.