Adam

special dedication to farida el khashab, farida el mallah ,allia dawood and dina yacout

If the night was a man I'd let the darkness find me I'd let it consume me dissolve with it's stars I'd abandon the 

light posts of the city for the woods where I could feel it around me lay my head on the shadows that are created by the silver moon rays .i'd gaze at the moon for as long as It would stay playing with the hem of my little black dress asking if  it likes it and I'd wait for a gentle rustle of the trees to give me my wanted answer

I remember sitting in class listening intently to my teacher talking about god she was speaking passionately 

hands going everywhere with a smile that at that time seemed pretty odd but I now understand what it meant. She felt god and I remember feeling him too I remember my 9 years old self getting her first glimpse of spirituality by a shiver down her spine and a good kind of tugging at her little heart .

I went home that day and prayed for the first time I cried and I begged him to help me with my upcoming math test . oh math was a nightmare for me it still is but that certain class had planted enough hope in my chest to last me a lifetime and it did .i'd watch the little flowers dancing in our garden and think of him listen to the birds speaking to each other look at my own hands feel myself breathing and that all lead me to the knowledge of the existence of miracles if I exist if birds exist if my little sister that didn't exist is now very present then miracles exist . and that was the point where I befriended my grandma attended all the services with her heard her praising him and talking about all of his glory while crying and I wondered how can we love someone that much without even meeting them I wondered how I could carry that much love for something that some of my friends don't believe it's there <<it's because he's inside of you you don't have to search for proofs and you don't have to follow the birds just give yourself the chance of feeling him inside you " my grandma told me while braiding my hair and I don't know if she knew then that she ended my inner turmoil for once and for all

By my 13^th I was looking for a new kind of love the kind I saw in titanic and the kind my cousin Tracey was always talking about I wanted to experience the butterflies they said would be there experience a new kind of understanding and feel myself being hugged by a much larger being that according to Tracey is one of the most amazing feelings a woman could experience . I wanted to be a woman I used my mother's dark abandoned lipstick to prove myself that I am a woman that my heart is ready to give all the love a woman was created with

So , I walked the streets looking into the boys eyes even when my grandma told me that it was a sin I trusted god enough not to punish me for wanting to find something as beautiful and natural as love but unfortunately I didn't find my jack in any of them so I ran my way home took the stairs two at a time climbed through our window and laid on our red roof gazing at the sky that only had a couple of stars that night I prayed for those stars to fin their friends in the vast universe sent my love for my grandpa up there hoped he's doing as well as my grandma has told me then I did a silent prayer for myself to find my companion and decided that even if god denied me what he gave most people I would still be his faithful little girl that I would still love him for all the things he's done to me and that I would ask him why when I am in heaven looking presentable enough to meet him.

I left the red roof for a little apartment of my own that seem to only consist of a mirror my roommate would bring her boyfriend everyday but  I didn't mind it much I loved the tv and the couch they worked as a good distraction from analyzing my ever flaw in that damn mirror . laying there I knew I missed home . missed  my momma's hugs and the late night prayers that don't feel the same anymore I missed feeling like a miracle and missed my grandma's lectures that are long gone now she used to tell me that I am an old soul and I used to laugh it off but seeing all of those people getting allured by money and positions I saw what she meant god bless you wherever you are granny.

Everything changed then when I met a guy that I felt like i wanted to share my little couch with be as close to him as possible and feel his touch that seem to cast a spell over me that makes me blush non stop I didn't know if it was love but I knew for a fact that I wanted Adam for as long as the universe would allow me to have him . it started with a simple chat than he got me back to visiting the woods after years staying away from it after I left it with my youth memories without considering going back even when I missed it . we would lay there head rested upon his stomach while he plays with my hair talk about our childhood memories Greek mythology or make up some stories about each star he'd ask me every night which star I loved the most and I would tell him that I loved them all the same then he'd tangle his legs with mines kiss my head tenderly until that one night a confession of love followed the usual head kiss I said I loved him back and I tasted his sweet forbidden lips for the first time

But for some reason I don't know the river of heavenly words we were swimming into started to dry . I watched him getting farther staying silent for long nights not showing up other nights or talking about regrets confessing about one last lost love I didn’t know about he stopped kissing me he stopped touching me altogether until that one morning I went to work to find him there with a suitcase he said his goodbye gave my head one last kiss and he was gone to find his home .

Now the mere knowledge of what loss feels like wouldn't have prepared me for that not even the fact that you lose things when you need to lose things nothing would have prepared me for the lonely nights the sadness of recalling every step we took together every word that was spoken every touch every kiss him moving into me with only the secretive owl as a witness . colors have turned much duller voices sounded harsher and the whole world seemed to command me to move on and go with my work prove my strength when I wasn't ready to do any of that. I knew I was string but I also know that I needed a pause I needed to greet my sadness savor that old taste of the nights that has a tint of bitterness to it and that I thought I left it for good after my shot of fresh colorful experiences. let it stay as long as it needs to then I'd go on with whatever fate will throw my way . god is still here I know that the woods and the darkness are pretty much the same I know that too but they taste differently they smell differently and they certainly feel differently but a little part of me wish they didn't a little part of me still wishes that Adam would still be by my side a little part of me still caresses the dewy grass as it it's a lucky charm that would give back the missed large hands that used to cover mines a little part of me wants Adam for the sake of self love and satisfaction for the sake of sharing the little victories and waking up to something other than merely working for my after life