Reasons why i am loveliest fuck up on the scene (personal post)

This is not some HR thingy with a very inspiring personal experience .. it is a personal experience but not too inspiring cause after all everyone has their way of living and it's 10% about life events and 90% about our reactions and because I am obsessed with documenting the major changes in my life I am writing this for all those lovely women thinking fun and living their every moment …..

For a first I discovered that I could get pretty lonely with my goals my likings my hobbies and whatever I do and most of my close friends are pretty busy and I don't blame them I was as busy until thanaweya amma hit me in the face and it became all about psychological changes with no series events. It's important to know your capabilities so I know I am smart but I don't know my way around I stumble through people looking for someone to share my little discoveries and victories with without a single care about what they are who they are and what they do and as soon as they give me an unwanted answer they are out of my life and I am back to hunt more listeners

2. I am aware of how my teenage years have slipped out of my fingers without realizing any of my to do before I am 20 list my dreams are too big for the freedom I am given and I had to cross over half of the list because of the social beliefs and do some others without my parents knowledge ( and come out after a week or so to get their trust back because they'd be doubtful and blab bla bla )  I was never into sitting with girls or even boys my age and hear them rant about who got with who , about their mentally / emotionally abusive partners and then crying about how they hate their bodies . it's okay to have a phase when you hate your body I've had some body image struggles myself as a 13 years old but don't go crying about how you look while stuffing your face with doughnuts and raping a Nutella jar the same time them models are working out and going around 24/7 in a lung crushing corset that I can't afford and that wouldn't last a week without me burning it and dancing the dance of freedom .

But then there was that guy and oh my was he so .. I don't know young , reckless irresponsible. Like a typical fuck boy that could fill your day with the thrill of being with someone in a socially unacceptable relationship especially that my parents hated him . he was so much of a player that he wouldn't admit he's playing even if you hint that you understand that you are playing yourself. Before we got together he was giving me exactly what I wanted so I said why not get with him even if he committed a terrible mistake and his pathetic" sorry" was certainly not enough to keep my inner bitch from snorting herself to oblivion but it's not about him it's all about me and my wanted fun .

The thing about me is that I know what I want what success is and what I like and dislike in a man and it's not about him being lean and toned and shit it's about him being able to pick me up from the airport have him help me with my heavy bags hear about my recent adventures keeping the conversation alive and then having a little snack in an a comfortable kind of silence someone that I am unintentionally drawn to on the other hand  I knew that the said guy  would be late he'd have me call him and hear some fake ass excuse about traffic or whatever shit he'd come up with I'd wait for hours call him without an answer and be forced to take a cab home where I'd be fuming I could have taken a cab home from the start but the man I want wouldn't let me . now here comes the awaited question what did you like about him ? .. I liked his confidence and in a way his coldness a nice contrast fits the experience perfectly like so lana del rey-ish with her old bad man .

Gone with the wrong flow I shut up my mind and only kept an inner mantra of fun fun fun and suddenly the game is slowing down too much for my liking and then he's all over the place and it's getting on my territorial part  adding to that that he has never seen my angry side :he would do all of those  turn offs and then apologize and I would end up mad at myself because hell I made the decision so obviously I couldn't complain or utter a word to anyone because I had the upper hand in my frustration

I did try to revive the thing as many times as I could with a bruised ego and a mind set on a good experience that'd be worth writing about he wasn't someone I could let things out with or share little victories with or chat about useless things like how to cure dry hair or whatever useless shit anyone could talk about with a liked guy he would tell me that I am smart but I knew for a fact that being with him was the dumbest thing I committed in my existence (not that I regret it) and by the end I didn't know what I was doing exactly what the fuck did I get myself into so I called sent messages and got ignored like many other times and it was the end .

Let me tell you one last thing …things that don't end properly leave a burning hunger within you . you could shut the door in his face and keep the window open to see how he's doing without you and as soon as he shows up under your window you'd open the door again …willingly .

So what I learned from all of this is to try and stop living in my expectations and remember that I am on earth .